Sunday, April 9, 2017

Just a ramble

So I think the last time we talked I said that I would be more open about what was going on.  Or that I would at least try to.  Maybe I didn't actually say it out loud.  So far April has been a bit of a bust.  I started playing around with my meds (because my doc said I could) to find the right sort of dose that would stabilize me but not zombify me.  And it was sort of working until I decided to try doubling my night dosage.  I really went into a funk.  No energy, creative or otherwise.  All I've wanted to do is sleep and east and just be blah.  Not good.  So this last trip to the doc we talked about reducing the dose and bringing me back in to officially test for ADHD.  Which for anyone who's met me will think that that statement is just hilarious.  I guess they have to have some sort of record before the put me on those meds.  That was five days ago.

I'm a little better having slowly reduced my mood stabilizer but I'm squirrel-ier than usual and I'm still in a funk.  A pretty mean funk.  What's that movie line about the "mean reds"?  I think it was from Breakfast at Tiffany's.  "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"  Yeah that's the one.  I'm having a case of the Mean Reds this week.  And to make matters worse, my husband lost his job the other day.  He was working two and that was great... financially.  Cause let's face it, he and I are both in law enforcement (dispatchers) and neither one of us makes crap.  But now he's down one and I'm freaking out.  I can't freak out in front of him because I have to be the "supportive wife" but I am having a full blown panic attack in my head.

I'm kinda glad right now that no one reads my blog anymore because this is maybe stuff I shouldn't be putting out there but quite frankly I can't afford to see a therapist.  I'm sitting at work right now and all I want to do is curl up on the floor and cry.  I hate feeling like this.  I've got a bag full of art projects and I just don't have to motivation to open it up and start anything.  Goodness knows I should because it would be good for me but the very idea just has me blowing raspberries.

Eventually I will get around to taking pictures of a new journal I'm working in.  I decided this year that I wanted to do a strictly Dylusions journal, using only Dylusions products.  Because I'm obsessed.  I love Dyan and I love her stuff so much.  But in February when I first went to see my doc... We'll call her The Great Dr. Wick.  Anyone catch that reference?  Anyhoo, so I decided I would use this particular Dylusions journal to document and journal about my own "dylusions".  And you know what... it's been pretty damn therapeutic.  It's been nice to write out all the ugly stuff that's in my head and just throw it all down.  I'm channeling my inner Mad Hatter for sure.  This journal definitely seems on its way to being full of Alice in Wonderland quotes.  I feel like I've taken a giant leap down the rabbit hole by opening up after so long and I'm just going to see where it leads.

I believe I'm done with the rambling at the moment.  Maybe I'll get lost in Pinterest or something for a while.  I just can't stick with any sort of task today. 

Until next time, dearies!


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