Sunday, April 9, 2017

Just a ramble

So I think the last time we talked I said that I would be more open about what was going on.  Or that I would at least try to.  Maybe I didn't actually say it out loud.  So far April has been a bit of a bust.  I started playing around with my meds (because my doc said I could) to find the right sort of dose that would stabilize me but not zombify me.  And it was sort of working until I decided to try doubling my night dosage.  I really went into a funk.  No energy, creative or otherwise.  All I've wanted to do is sleep and east and just be blah.  Not good.  So this last trip to the doc we talked about reducing the dose and bringing me back in to officially test for ADHD.  Which for anyone who's met me will think that that statement is just hilarious.  I guess they have to have some sort of record before the put me on those meds.  That was five days ago.

I'm a little better having slowly reduced my mood stabilizer but I'm squirrel-ier than usual and I'm still in a funk.  A pretty mean funk.  What's that movie line about the "mean reds"?  I think it was from Breakfast at Tiffany's.  "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"  Yeah that's the one.  I'm having a case of the Mean Reds this week.  And to make matters worse, my husband lost his job the other day.  He was working two and that was great... financially.  Cause let's face it, he and I are both in law enforcement (dispatchers) and neither one of us makes crap.  But now he's down one and I'm freaking out.  I can't freak out in front of him because I have to be the "supportive wife" but I am having a full blown panic attack in my head.

I'm kinda glad right now that no one reads my blog anymore because this is maybe stuff I shouldn't be putting out there but quite frankly I can't afford to see a therapist.  I'm sitting at work right now and all I want to do is curl up on the floor and cry.  I hate feeling like this.  I've got a bag full of art projects and I just don't have to motivation to open it up and start anything.  Goodness knows I should because it would be good for me but the very idea just has me blowing raspberries.

Eventually I will get around to taking pictures of a new journal I'm working in.  I decided this year that I wanted to do a strictly Dylusions journal, using only Dylusions products.  Because I'm obsessed.  I love Dyan and I love her stuff so much.  But in February when I first went to see my doc... We'll call her The Great Dr. Wick.  Anyone catch that reference?  Anyhoo, so I decided I would use this particular Dylusions journal to document and journal about my own "dylusions".  And you know what... it's been pretty damn therapeutic.  It's been nice to write out all the ugly stuff that's in my head and just throw it all down.  I'm channeling my inner Mad Hatter for sure.  This journal definitely seems on its way to being full of Alice in Wonderland quotes.  I feel like I've taken a giant leap down the rabbit hole by opening up after so long and I'm just going to see where it leads.

I believe I'm done with the rambling at the moment.  Maybe I'll get lost in Pinterest or something for a while.  I just can't stick with any sort of task today. 

Until next time, dearies!

Friday, March 31, 2017

30 Days of Lists March 2017

I know it's been ages.  I know I'm an awful blogger.  I've been dealing with stuff, k?  Go read yesterday's post.

Back?  Ok.  So it's not that I haven't been super creative the past year, I just haven't been blogging about it.  But if you follow me on social media - especially Instagram, you'll be able to catch up with most everything I've been doing.  Or at least, sharing!

I've been doing #30daysoflists again this month and I've just finished it up.  So here they are (click the pics to make them bigger)...


I made this little album with Mini Kraft File Folders by Canvas Corp Brands which I (badly) coptic stitched together.  I then used a border stamp (Further Around the Edge), tag stamp (Write Between the Lines), alpha stamps (clear and small block), bird stamps (Put a Bird On It), and the small circles stamp (clear doodle borders)  by Dylusions.  And of course I used my trusty white Signo pen to fill it all in.  I really do love that pen!

This is one project that I get oh so excited by every year.  It's only lists and it's only three times a year which makes it oh so manageable in my scatterbrained head.

I'm going to try to be a better blogger this year.  But goodness don't hold me to it.  I think I'd stopped because it seemed to have become less of a conversation and more of a show and tell.  Which was good in a way but I got bored and.... well just and.  Can't find a way to properly end that sentence so I'm just not gonna!

Anyway.  That's all I've got for now.  I'm working on some journal pages and I may or may not post some stuff I've been up to the past few months.  We'll see.

Talk to you soon.  Maybe.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

World Bipolar Day...

There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter.  Which luckily, I am.

Today, on the birthday of one of my favorite artists, the world celebrates, embraces, and acknowledges Bipolar Disorder.

Who is this artist?  Dear old Uncle Vincent (van Gogh), of course!  The Numero Uno in mad artists.  While we may never know exactly what caused Uncle Vincent to loose his marbles, it is indeed possible that he suffered from Bipolar Disorder.

So what's the point of celebrating a mental disorder which quite frankly scares the bajeezus outta most folks?  Because you probably know a good many people living with, dealing with, suffering from, healing from, and recovering from this disorder.

The International Society for Bipolar Disorders celebrates each year on March 30th to bring the world population information about bipolar disorders that will educate and improve sensitivity towards the illness.  There's some great information on the World Bipolar Day FB page as well. 

Ok, so what does this have to do with me?  Why after nearly a year's silence on the blog am I finally posting, but it's about this and not art?

Because after twenty years I am finally ready to accept my diagnosis.  And with acceptance, lend my own voice to the fight to end stigma against mental illness.  There is nothing wrong with people who suffer from a mental illness.  There is nothing wrong with talking about it.  There is NOTHING to be ashamed of!!

One of several mental disorders I suffer from is Bipolar Disorder.  Specifically, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder.

What on earth does that mean?

It means I am up most of the time.  Sometimes I am up up up UP but I am rarely down.  And even more rarely very very down.

It means I am impulsive and fun, hyper and jumping all over the place.  It means I am doing a million and one things but struggle to finish them.  It means I am snarky and downright mean.  It means that I am a different person at any given point in a day.  It means 4 am bed times and an IV of caffeine.  It means that the struggle is real and I am terrible to live with most days.

It means blog silence for a year because I just couldn't find the motivation to keep up with it all.  It means wanting to do projects but not being able to carve out the time, the concentration, or the motivation to do them.  It means holing up in my studio and not "people-ing".

It means my brain is like an internet browser.  Seventeen tabs are open.  Nine of them are not responding.  There are thousands of popups and where the hell is that annoying music coming from?

It means me.  It is the source of my creativity, my manic energy, my struggle, my demons, my love, my heart, my soul.  It is what has made me become the woman I am today.  Would I change it if I could?  No.  For those who have never walked the path can never know the brightest parts of oneself nor the darkest pits.

I'm a little better now.  Every day is still a struggle and I'm always interested to see how it'll go but I've gotten some much needed help and I am starting down the path to a better and more manageable me.  

That being said... it's important that we, as a community, as a society, as a species stop being afraid of the unknown.  Of making those who suffer from the unseen hide in the shadows.  Just because people with mental disorders don't walk around in a cast doesn't mean that we aren't ill or that we're just sad.  Stop the stigma, the shame, the bullshit.  

"There's a fine line between madness and creativity." as the old saying goes.  I have walked, bounced, pivoted, recoiled, rebounded, oscillated, fluctuated, and occasionally pirouetted on that line.  

And today I'm here to tell you to raise your glass, cause I'm raising mine, to those who live, suffer, manage, create, get by, walk, and manically run with this mental illness. 

You are beautiful, you are amazing, and remember... while you will be too much for some people, those aren't your people!!!  Don't let anyone, and I mean anyone, make you feel bad about yourself.

Much love.

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